Truth Within..

I found a sense of self in the solitude of administration segregation. I had no distractions, no façade to uphold. It was me myself and I, all alone, and I could be who I truly was. I remember when it dawned on me. What I wanted to be. As a child all of my peers had childhood aspirations, they wanted to be doctors or astronauts, firemen or rock stars. Me? I don't recall ever having any dreams though I am a dreamer. I always felt out of place, lost, and it's ironic that 24 years later in an 8 by 10 in Colorado state penitentiary It dawned on me. I wanted to be the type of person that spreads love and confidence everywhere he walks. I wanted to inspire people to seek truth in all facets of life. A philosopher, a mystic, a sage! I know this sounds crazy. And I know you really can't make money doing this.

But is life about money? At your funeral will they cry and laugh and smile and talk about the shoes you owned?

Will they talk about your car and how many floors your house had?

Or will they talk about how you made them feel, how you listened intently, how you made them feel less alone in this world. Human life comes and goes in the blink of an eye. We feel in our feeble little minds that the world revolves around us, our problems, our emotions, not knowing that we are all interconnected. This is what I have found to be true.

Upon release. Straight from 19 months in solitary back to the hustle and bustle of Denver Colorado, I slowly began to lose grip with this aspiration of mine. I wanted the watches, the cars, the women. I found myself splurging my hard earned pay on drinks in bars and new outfits so I could fit in. Humans are a herd species. Monkey see monkey do. It takes a man of extreme self control and dignity to stand alone, to become an island, a refuge in this hurricane. I slowly began to lose the peace of mind I had acquired not long before. Panic attacks, depression and anxiety became a daily real life struggle. The futility of it all! I began drinking and I found myself just as deep if not deeper in a hole then I was before prison. That slope is so slippery. An old timer once told me if you don't want to slip, don't go around slippery places. I went to the doctor and sought help. It was all I knew to do, there had to be a quick fix, a miracle pill, instant gratification! But there was none, only side effects and a loss of grip on my mental and emotional status. Finally, as of recent, I weened off of the benzo’s and anti psychotics. I moved, o got away from all the old reminders and negative emotions. I packed up me and my wife's belongings and moved. Now as we speak I set and look out at the ocean.

I feel the breeze and smile at my waitress as I greet her. I look into people's eyes and smile. I try my best to radiate this love I feel inside. My natural state. Don't let this world out here make you hard. Don't let it kill your spirit, because it can and will.

We are not of this world, we are only in it and it is designed to confuse and disorient you. It will make you chase illusory abstract objects only to learn in the end everything you ever had and needed was inside you all along. Your God, whomever that may be, is in you. You need not look outside. Simply seek refuge within and you can find truth. I write this today as reminder to myself as much as I write it for tou

Literature and philosophy convinced me that life was worth living. It has shown me that I am not alone in this world of confusion and disillusionment. Each of these writers and philosophers have shown me that a soul such as mine, a sensitive soul that's raw, will always suffer. We will always be crying on the inside even though my fave smiles. I do t smile because I'm fake I smile because I know that if other people in this world feel one tenth of what I feel then it is my duty as a fellow human to show compassion and do all I can to ease a little of there suffering and lighten their burdens.I hat ores so much angst and hate for so many years towards my fellow humans.the evil I've seen men do sickens me and I reacted with malice and a false sense of justice that maybe I can make them feel what it is they so to others. Like batman or something! Only to realize that evil cannot be driven out by evil but only by light. I must let my soul shine amongst all that come around me so they can find a safe harbor in the dwelling of my soul and conciousness. Others have done it for me, so who would I be to not pay it forward. I want to be a friend. Someone you feel safe around to tell your deepest darkest thoughts and feelings too with no fear of being judged. “ If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each mans life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility “ think about that. People that do you wrong, that smite or curse your name. Imagine that they feel the same horrible emotions that we feel. And what do you need when you feel this way? We need love, a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. Be that today.be that tomorrow. We can do this together.

We have it in us.

Not from without, not from no philosophy or religious dogma

but within ourselves! Look within.